Five more days. Its been 249 days and now just five more are left. But, the day a new life enters into the world is on baby’s clock, not ours. She could come at anytime…or she could take her time. Which makes five more days feel like Five. More. Years., as any expectant mother knows. The anticipation is something like all of the holiday eve’s wrapped tightly into the most shiny, so-good-you-can-almost-taste-it never ending gobstopper. If that makes any sense.
So much has changed in me during these 249 days. All of the life-altering, priority-shifting I had assumed would happen after the baby was born, happened on April 13, 2013.
I had been gone all day celebrating one of my best friends at her bridal shower. It was such a special day and as all of the ladies went out that night to continue the festivities, I couldn’t help but wish I was among them, reminiscing with my friend about all of the good times we shared and all of what was to come. Instead, I was at home laying in bed. I had entered my second trimester but I was just starting to recover from the first trimester extreme exhaustion. I focused all of my energy on the center of my belly. And I felt grateful. I felt full. The center of my belly was becoming the center of my universe.
We had recently discovered that the baby we were going to be welcoming into our lives would be a baby girl. It was all so surreal. What would it be like to have her here? When would I start working again? When would she sleep through the night? Geez, what should she sleep in?! I had never been more thankful for anything else in my life. This baby girl was something my husband and I had dreamed about for years before we were married, before we were “ready” for her we knew we wanted her, it is the ultimate blessing, and the fact that this dream was coming to fruition was something my husband and I never took for granted. However, for someone like me, someone who likes to understand everything, to fully grasp a concept before I dive in, this was uncharted territory. I was full of questions. Full of “How?”.
And then, as I layed in bed that night, I felt it. I felt that baby girl I was growing move her body for the first time. At first it was a small flutter…”No, that can’t be her”, I thought. Then, a flurry of flutters. There was no mistaking. And as my mouth dropped and the tears ran down my face, I swear all of the molecules in my body were altered. I became a Mommy. That baby girl we had seen on the screen was real. She was safe. She was ours. And I loved her. Sure, there were sacrifices and there would be more to come. But for all of the answer seeking I was used to doing, I understood in that moment, without thinking, that life wasn’t going to change- it had already changed. My priorities had changed because this baby girl was more important than anything else I had ever done or ever would do. All that mattered was her health and the health and happiness of my new family. And although it was uncharted territory, this over-analytic, needs-to-make-sense-of-everything person… let go. This was a journey. This was not to be fully understood in one lesson. No, this little girl had given me the greatest gift. She had taught me with the flutter of her small body to let go and embrace change. To soak it all in. And I’ve been doing just that. Enjoying this very special time.
Five more days. Or one more day. Or ten more days. Or even two more weeks. She will be here. That’s more than good enough for me.
And, that question about when I will return to work? I will still be answering emails and booking weddings (some things never change). But my first in-the-field, camera action will be for my annual holiday portraits and I could not be more excited!! The happiest season of the year and the happiest season of my life. I can’t wait to show my little “assistant” what it means to follow your dreams. To do what you love. To live my priorities…Her, my new family and living a life of passion.
See y’all in November!
XOXO, Jessica
